“Other people have it so much worse than me, so I shouldn’t feel the way I do.”
“Because I have caused harm to my partner, I am not allowed to have needs or feelings in my relationship.”
“It’s not a big deal” (when your body is telling you it feels like a really big deal). “I need to stop being so dramatic.”
“I should just be grateful.”
I hear these sentiments and variations on them a lot. I also find myself thinking this way sometimes about my own experiences. When I hear my clients and loved ones speak this way, I want to lovingly shout from the rooftops, “Your feelings DO matter! They are not trivial! Just because someone else has it worse, it doesn’t mean that your experience is unimportant! And when you dismiss your feelings, it keeps you from having a deeper relationship with yourself and your people! Please feel your feelings!”
When we compare our pain and suffering to the suffering of others, we buy into the false narrative that emotional pain is a limited resource, and if we dare to validate our own emotions, there won’t be space for anyone else’s. I think this narrative keeps us from being honest with ourselves when we’re struggling because we don’t want others to view us as selfish, inconsiderate, weak, or “too sensitive.”
Here’s what often happens when we engage in comparative suffering and emotional invalidation:
It Creates a Hierarchy of Pain
When we compare our pain to others, we create (often subconsciously) an imaginary hierarchy of pain, from “trivial” to “worst,” and we believe that only the “worst” suffering is worthy of acknowledgment. And if our experience doesn’t meet the criteria for being the worst (spoiler alert, with comparative suffering it doesn’t), we are convinced that our feelings are insignificant. But that’s now how emotions work. Regardless of the severity of our circumstances, our emotions need acknowledgment and curiosity, not stifling.
It Leads to Emotional Suppression
When we convince ourselves that we shouldn’t feel a certain way, we often end up suppressing or ignoring our emotions instead of processing them. But feelings don’t magically disappear because we’ve decided they’re unimportant – they remain in our bodies and at some point they will decide to show up and demand attention. We might experience things like emotional numbness, an uptick in stress, fatigue, or anxiety. As our unattended emotional cache builds, it might result in an outburst or other reaction that feels incongruous to the type of people we want to be and can deepen the false belief that being emotional is problematic.
It Disconnects Us from Self-Compassion
When we compare and invalidate our own feelings, we can’t engage in self-compassion, which is an important element of emotional well-being and growth. It’s interesting how most of us wouldn’t dream of speaking to our friends the way that we sometimes speak to ourselves, but we struggle to extend the same thoughtfulness and support to ourselves when we’re struggling. When my friends say any of the phrases that I listed at the beginning of this post, I don’t dismiss their pain or experience. I do my best to show up with curiosity, tenderness, and a desire to understand. Those are all things that I should also extend to myself, and I am encouraging you all to do as well.
It Can Prevent Empathy
Many of us believe that if we downplay our feelings, that will help us be more empathic toward others. But empathy is not born out of self-sacrifice or self-denial. Rather, when we can fully acknowledge and process our feelings, we grow our ability to be more attuned to the experiences of others. There can (and must) be space for both our and other people’s emotions in relationships. When I tend to what is coming up for me, it deepens my capacity to show up for, empathize with, and support my friends and loved ones. I also get to watch this magic happen a lot when I work with couples – when both partners can step into the practice of self-compassion and self-worth, it allows them to more genuinely show up for their partner’s emotions and needs.
It Exacerbates Shame
Comparative suffering often reinforces shame—the belief that we are not worthy of care, attention, or support. The way we speak to ourselves matters. When we say things like, “Others have it worse, so I have no right to feel this way,” we communicate to ourselves that we are undeserving of support and comfort. When we believe that we don’t deserve those things, it can keep us from reaching out for help, which can isolate us from our loved ones and negatively impact our sense of connection and belonging.
You might be vibing with what you’re reading in this blog post, and it is also completely possible that until now, you didn’t realize you were engaging in comparative suffering or emotional invalidation. You might be thinking, “Okay, I feel both seen and attacked, but what now?!” I’ve got a few suggestions to get you started:
Recognize when you’re invalidating your feelings and engaging in comparative suffering. I encourage you to practice paying closer attention to your inner dialogue, particularly the way you speak to yourself about your emotions and experiences. When you notice that you’re doing the thing (aka, comparing your pain to others and stifling your emotions), take a moment. Say to yourself, quietly or out loud, “Oh! I’m doing that thing that Alexandra talked about!” Be honest with yourself that something feels difficult or painful. Remind yourself that there is enough space for your struggle. Work on shifting the narrative from “Others have it worse so my stuff doesn’t matter” to “I realize that I’m having a hard time and I’m curious what I need right now,” or, “Other people might be struggling more, but that doesn’t mean I’m not struggling. Both can be true.”
Get curious about your inner emotional landscape and practice feeling your feelings. Emotions don’t have to build up until they feel uncontrollable. We also don’t have to stay numb. The truth is that just like everything else in the universe, emotions are impermanent. And when we allow ourselves to experience them fully, we can move through them and not stay stuck.
Here is one avenue to help you practice feeling your feelings:
Acknowledge – Notice when an emotion is coming up and practice naming the emotion (e.g., I feel frustrated). You don’t have to push it away or immediately try to fix it, just notice and name that it’s there.
Check-In – Sometimes we struggle to feel connected to our bodies, so it’s hard to notice that an emotion is coming up. I encourage you to practice regular check-ins with your body. You might do a quick scan or inventory of your bodily sensations (tightness or ease, heavy or light, tense or loose, constricted or open, etc.) and see if you can match those sensations to a feeling.
Feel without Judgment – Once you’ve named your emotion, see if you can sit with it for a few seconds with some neutrality, curiosity, or openness. Try not to jump immediately into judging yourself for whatever it is that you’re feeling. Emotions are data – they are trying to tell us something! Sit with it, pay attention, and see if anything is coming up. Sometimes, literal physical movement can also help us process the emotion. This could look like taking some deep breaths, shaking it out, humming, or a million other movements. Find what works for you.
Use Grounding Techniques – Maybe you do feel overwhelmed by the emotion, or maybe you need another way to express it so you can continue to move through it. Either way, grounding techniques can be a safe way to stay/get back into your body and reduce stress.
Observe – As you are practicing feeling without judgment or grounding techniques, pay attention to how the emotion is changing in your body. It might be shifting in intensity, where it’s showing up, or size. Just observe, and remind yourself that you’re still here.
Practice Curiosity – Once again, emotions are data. When feelings show up in our bodies, they are trying to convey something to us. Perhaps there is an unmet need that we can fulfill, maybe there is some grief that wants to be witnessed and tended to, or maybe a repair needs to happen with a friend. You can ask yourself, “What do I need right now?” and see what comes up.
Feeling your feelings might sound like a no-brainer, but lots of folks struggle to do so nonjudgmentally. This really does get easier with practice, so don’t be hard on yourself if it takes time. Keep flexing those muscles of awareness, curiosity, and compassion!
Practice sharing your struggles with your people – and get curious about theirs. We need each other always – in struggle and contentment. Don’t just share the happy parts of your world with your friends and loved ones. Be honest when you’re having a hard time. You might worry about taking up too much space, being “overly dramatic,” or being considered a shitty privileged person who lacks perspective. I recognize that this can and does happen sometimes. But if you’re practicing the offerings listed above, and if you are also remaining curious about your friends’ well-being, it will be okay. I am a big believer in self-awareness, perspective-taking, practicing gratitude, and all of the other things that help us be considerate and supportive people. These can all exist alongside our unique experiences, pain, emotional honesty, and self-compassion. Share your pain, ask for help when you need it, and allow yourself to receive support when your friends offer it. Also, inquire about their lives. Check in about what has been stressing them out lately. Ask about their grief. Offer to pick something up from the store for them. Sit with them when they are lonely or sad. Get together one day to discuss ways that help you feel cared for when you’re down, and then do those things for each other when you’re down. When they invalidate their emotions or compare their suffering, say, “Hey. Your pain matters to me. I’ve got space for it. Tell me more.” Cultivate relationships with yourself and your people where there really is space for everybody’s stuff. When we feel like there is space and tenderness for us, we feel like we belong.