As a therapist, I get to ask questions for a living. Which is a pretty sweet gig for me, given that I am a curious person by nature. There are two questions in particular I have found myself asking a lot lately (sometimes just to myself, but most of the time out loud):
“What would it look like if you treated yourself as if you are a person that you love?”
and
“Have you met you?!”
The first question comes up often in my work when I hear people talk about or show me all the ways that they abandon themselves. They override their own needs for the sake of someone else’s comfort, they believe they are wholly undeserving of good things because they made a mistake, they berate themselves for having a big emotion, or they deny themselves care because they haven’t “earned” it yet. The self-punishment can be deliberate or unintentional. Either way, it usually leads to disconnection from self and others.
The second question, which is usually said in quite a cheeky but loving manner, is in response to people who have just put themselves down or doubted themselves in some unhelpful or inaccurate way. They are so bogged down by shame and self-doubt that they cannot see their own light, or at the very least, their own complexity. When people go to the space of “I’m not good enough,” or, “I can’t do this,” I ask, “Have you met you?” to encourage them to practice a bit more compassion towards themselves. Both questions are meant to help the receivers remember their humanity.
I am surrounded by people who are unbelievably hard on themselves, people who bend over backwards to show love and care to others, but rarely afford themselves the same consideration. They speak to themselves in ways that they wouldn’t dream of doing to another person. They treat themselves in ways that would cause them to riot if they saw anyone doing the same things to their partner, or best friend, or child. They believe that they don’t deserve good things, and they have convinced themselves, or perhaps the sharpness of the world has convinced them, that they are not deserving of the same love and care that they think everyone else is owed. It is interesting to me how we sometimes convince ourselves that the only way we are special is in the belief that we are the one person on earth who doesn’t deserve grace. I am not immune to this experience; I also struggle sometimes with the “everyone deserves (love, grace, happiness, forgiveness, etc.), except me, I haven’t earned it” mentality as well.
So much can get in the way of us cultivating a meaningful relationship with ourselves. For a lot of folks, self-abandonment happens unintentionally or feels necessary when life gets busy – kids, work, caregiving, and other responsibilities take up so much time and energy that the thought of engaging in purposeful self-care or self-exploration feels impossible or unimportant. Additionally, many of us have been conditioned to believe that it is selfish to prioritize the self in any way. As a young girl raised in the Catholic Church, selflessness was instilled in me as the ultimate path to salvation. This ended up becoming quite detrimental to my sense of self and my relationships, because it led to intense shame, people-pleasing behaviors, self-hatred for having things like needs and desires, and burnout.
One doesn’t have to be Catholic to experience the rampant and false narrative that it is selfish and narcissistic to care about ourselves. There are various systems in place (patriarchy, white supremacy, and capitalism, to name a few) that greatly benefit from us being divorced from our own minds and bodies. Ideal employees don’t have needs or strong opinions. Ideal consumers hate their bodies and think they are a problem to be fixed. These systems thrive when folks are underestimated and overextended. In addition to systemic harm, trauma can also impact our relationships to ourselves. Sometimes it doesn’t feel safe or possible to be in our bodies or minds because of things that have happened to us. Experiencing trauma can leave us with a distorted self-image and can make us question our worth and our abilities.
There is also the possibility that we have done real harm to someone, and we feel guilty and undeserving because of our actions. This can lead to the process of being reduced to, judged by, and isolated because of our wrongdoings. While I am a firm believer in the importance of accountability and repair, I am also a firm believer that, in the words of Audre Lorde, “the master’s tools will never dismantle the master’s house.” This sentiment feels true both on a systemic and personal level. In all my years working with people, I’ve not once encountered someone who punished themself into being a better person. Even when we have done something wrong, no one actually benefits from our self-loathing. We can’t heal through retribution, or grow without compassion, or live fully without engaging with the complexity of our humanity. Isolation from ourselves or others often just leads to more destruction. Keeping everyone’s humanity intact, including yours, is crucial.
Regardless of the path that has led to disconnection from self, it is imperative that we invest in reconnecting with ourselves. From my vantage point, cultivating a relationship with self seems imperative to every aspect of healing. From an attachment perspective, doing so will help you become more attuned to your own needs, desires, and boundaries. It can broaden your understanding of your emotional landscape and increase your ability to process difficult emotions. It can help you build trust in yourself and feel capable of navigating life’s challenges. It can help you make decisions and act in alignment with your values. Being in tune with yourself allows you to be an active participant in your life. And it helps you foster fulfilling relationships with others. I desire all of these things for my clients and fellow humans. I want people to be in their bodies, to not spend a lifetime being a stranger to themselves, to feel connected to their internal and external worlds.
If you treated yourself like someone that you loved, what would look different? Would you approach your thoughts, feelings, and behavior with a bit more curiosity and a bit less judgement? Would you speak more kindly to yourself when you made a mistake or didn’t have the answer? Would you nourish your body more? Would you allow yourself to feel pleasure without guilt or subsequent punishment? Would you acknowledge your needs and tend to them with a bit more patience or gentleness? Would you move more, or rest more, or play more?
You are a multi-faceted person who is forever changing. There will always be more to learn about yourself, always more to tend! Your bodymind is your constant companion, your garden, your home. You will, metaphorically speaking, die in the house that you grew up in. So take some time to get comfortable, to know the space well, and to take care. If you’re not quite sure where to start, here are some suggestions to try or tailor to your preferences:
-Take yourself on a date! Go out to dinner, or for a solo hike, or to catch a movie and a drink afterwards. Ask yourself questions. Be interested in yourself! Practice curiosity and noticing.
-Move your body in a way that makes you feel joyful and alive. Ride a bike, dance, run, stretch, jump on a trampoline! Movement should not feel like punishment.
-Make a playlist of love songs – songs that are filled with admiration and yearning. Sing them to yourself.
-Follow a whim once in a while. See where it takes you. Practice being present in the moment.
-Peel an orange with care. Patiently pull off all of the stringy bits, like you would for someone you love. Savor each segment.
-Encourage yourself! Talk yourself through a difficult moment with kindness. Name something you feel proud of. Write down some things that you love or appreciate about yourself, and return to them often.
-Put yourself to bed on time. Freshly bathed, in a matching two piece pajama set, hair combed back (toddler style). Don’t doomscroll for three hours. Do some gentle stretches or read a book or practice a bit of gratitude. You deserve solid rest!
-Go for a late night or early morning walk. No headphones or lit up screen. Listen to the sounds of the birds and the bugs. Marvel at the moon. Feel your lungs expand and contract as you breathe in and out.
-When the big ache makes itself known in your chest, or anxiety fills your belly, pause. Sit with it. Don’t try to shove it down or fix it or judge it. Just be present. You can survive this wave of emotion. If you’re feeling brave (and even if you aren’t), ask it what it needs.
-Learn (or relearn) what pleasure feels like in your body. Gently massage your hands or feet. Spend some time doing a pleasure mapping exercise. Fully engage the five senses in a meal. Allow pleasure practices to become a consistent part of your daily or weekly routines.
This is not an exhaustive list, but it is a place to start. I want to encourage you to spend some time contemplating the unique ways that you would like to build a relationship with yourself, and then pick one or two to begin. Whatever you decide to do, I hope that you keep practicing coming home to yourself, again and again and again.