As a therapist, I am very familiar with the concept of self-compassion. It comes up early and often in sessions, and clinically can be such a helpful tool to combat anxiety and depression. So, why is it that last week when I got my times mixed up for a meeting and ended up being late, that it was so difficult to access kindness? I think our first thoughts (and really instincts in some cases), are to go straight to the negative and disparaging comments – “what is wrong with you?” or “people probably see you as irresponsible now”. This type of negative self-talk serves to further solidify and confirm negative beliefs, which can end up being how we view ourselves and our whole lives. This is not an uncommon experience, in fact I’m sure you just read that and realized you have been through a similar experience (spoiler alert, this right here is a part of self-compassion ). Good news though! Self-compassion is a way to challenge these thoughts, and shift them to a neutral or even positive perspective. My hope with this blog post is that it can provide further knowledge on the concept of self-compassion, as well as some strategies to practice it. In my research and experience, self-compassion can be so much more than speaking to yourself in the same way you would speak to a dear friend (although this is definitely a big part of it!).
What is Self-Compassion?
Kristin Neff, PhD, is one of the first folks to define and conceptualize the idea of self-compassion, making her a pioneer of sorts of this practice. Self-compassion, in its simplest terms, is the concept of turning compassion and kindness inward. When a loved one or a dear friend is struggling, we likely are going to support them with compassion and kindness, through words of affirmation and empathy. Self-compassion is taking that kindness we would show a loved one and turning it toward ourselves. As previously mentioned, it can be very easy to fall into a negative self-talk trap, and in some cases, a perfectionism trap – “everyone else is allowed to make mistakes, but I can’t!”. Self-compassion is naming how difficult it can feel to make a mistake, and offering yourself care and support (“what is it that I need right now?”). Self-compassion can help us recognize that we are worthy of our own love and compassion, and can be quite a balm to help self-soothe and shift self-desparaging language and beliefs. We are human, and part of being a human means making mistakes, running into obstacles, and feeling frustrated. Dr. Kristin Neff describes this as the ‘human condition’, meaning we all share this experience. The practice of self-compassion is honoring and accepting this experience versus pushing back against it.
Elements of Self-Compassion
Dr. Kristin Neff goes on to describe three elements of self-compassion: self-kindness vs. self-judgment, common humanity vs. isolation, and mindfulness vs. overidentification.
- Self-kindness vs. self-judgment: this is one that goes along with the core definition of self-compassion. Rather than tear ourselves down during a very human moment of making a mistake, we should approach ourselves with kindness and compassion. Coming at a tough human moment with compassion can give us the resilience to cope with the challenge of the moment.
- Common humanity vs. isolation: I connect with this one pretty deeply. It is the idea that we are not alone in our suffering. Have you ever made a mistake and felt so alone and embarrassed? Like, no one else has ever made a mistake as terrible as you have? Common humanity tells us that everyone suffers, and even if it is to varying degrees and intensities, we all share this experience as humans, and there is something really comforting about that.
- Mindfulness vs. overidentification: Leaning into mindfulness during a painful moment lets us still feel the pain and accept it, while also supporting ourselves through it. If we lean more into overidentifying with the pain, we can get rather caught up in it and overwhelmed by the intensity of the painful moment.
Negative Self-Talk Stemming from Trauma
For some folks, the way we speak to ourselves is how our caregivers or the adults in our lives growing up spoke to us and/or treated us. For some children, making mistakes is not ever tolerated by their caregivers, or is responded to in a punitive way versus a compassionate way. Then, these children grow up to learn that making mistakes is dangerous, or they can’t tolerate it themselves, resulting in nervous system dysregulation and self-deprecating thoughts. Even with negative self-talk being an almost automatic thing for a lot of people, the negativity and nervous system response can be a lot more intense depending on how mistakes were approached by their caregivers when they were children.
My Own Challenges with Self-Compassion
As mentioned in the beginning, I definitely have my own challenges with self-compassion. It truly can feel like human nature to be hard on ourselves when we make a mistake. But how can I possibly learn something from this mistake without tearing myself down completely?!? (sarcasm of course) I think in my own experiences with making mistakes, the only thing tearing myself down does is make moving through and handling mistakes in the future more difficult. It has only taught me that I am not allowed to have painful human moments like screwing something up, so when the next one happens, I am not equipped to handle it. Practicing self-compassion, however, I am able to give myself some grace and recognize the shared experience of getting the time wrong for a meeting, or saying something unkind out of anger. It doesn’t mean that those moments don’t hurt or aren’t embarrassing, self-compassion just allows us to be mindful of the pain while also holding compassion and kindness for ourselves.
How to Practice Self-Compassion
There are several ways to cultivate and practice self-compassion:
- Be mindful of how you are speaking to yourself: as mentioned a couple times, negativity is an automatic go to for a lot of humans, especially when we screw up. It’s okay if that is still the go to while trying to be mindful of your self-talk! The practice is noticing it and being able to shift it, maybe validating for yourself that this is a tough moment, and check in with what you might need.
- Set boundaries for yourself: being kind to yourself can also be recognizing when you have overextended yourself and need to set a boundary. Some folks can tend to burn the candle at both ends without recognizing the need for a boundary, resulting in burn out, and in turn negative self-talk.
- Say no: this one ties in with setting boundaries for yourself. One of my favorite statements continues to be ‘no is a complete sentence’.
- Engage in self-care: taking good care of yourself is such a great way to practice self-compassion! It is recognizing that you are worth spending time with a good friend, rest, and/or just taking some time for yourself to fill your cup.
Want to Learn Even More about Self-Compassion?
Great news! You can Dr. Kristin Neff developed the Self-Compassion Institute as part of her work around self-compassion over these past 20 years or so. Her website has a lot more info around self-compassion, resources, more blog posts, and self-compassion practice exercises. Visit this link for more great self-compassion info: https://self-compassion.org/. Additionally, Dr. Kristin Neff has a great TED talk on the space between self-esteem and self-compassion, as well as her own experiences in practicing self-compassion. The video is an oldie, but definitely a goodie! Here’s the link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IvtZBUSplr4
In closing, I’d like to say that while the practice of self-compassion has, and always will be crucial to our well-being, these challenging times in our world make it all the more important to send ourselves some extra kindness and warmth when we mess up. Take good care of yourselves.