We can only learn how to manage and soothe an emotion that we allow ourselves to feel. And kids can only learn how to regulate emotions we allow them to feel.
And yet, this acceptance and allowance of big feelings—in ourselves and others—can be so, so hard. Sometimes it can feel impossible, especially if we didn’t have it modeled for us by our own caregivers (who likely did not have it modeled to them by their caregivers, and so on).
Because we haven’t been taught any differently, we often have expectations of ourselves to suddenly be able to self-regulate—as if we could just flip a switch and “calm down” our stressed bodies and whirling emotions. As we get older, we can learn different coping strategies that help us process our big feelings and ground our bodies. It takes time, practice, and we don’t always respond the way we want to. Of course we don’t—we’re human!
And yet… many adults often assume that kids should be able to better regulate their emotions, and that even young children are “old enough” to know and use calming skills without support. For parents, these expectations may be shaped by a lack of support in their own childhoods, or they may be rooted in deeply held values of independence and autonomy.
Parents want their kids to be confident and resilient. But in actuality, expecting children to self-regulate all the time, and all on their own, doesn’t build those qualities—providing coregulation does.
Self-Regulation Starts with Coregulation
Unfortunately, there’s no magic age when self-regulation automatically kicks in and a child suddenly knows how to manage their emotions. Like any skill, learning self-regulation requires guidance, scaffolding, and repetition. Just as we wouldn’t expect someone to know how to speak a new language without help, it’s unrealistic to expect a child to know how to regulate their emotions without help.
In fact, having this expectation of kids will likely only lead to frustration, because their partially developed brains often just don’t have the capacity to self-regulate—especially when the adults around them are struggling to regulate themselves.
This is where coregulation comes in. It’s a way we can teach kids how to cope with big feelings and reactions to stressors—by showing them how. Coregulation occurs when we have someone else—someone who, in that moment, is more regulated than we are—sit with us and normalize our big feelings. It happens when a parent can hold space for a child’s emotions without becoming overwhelmed, and it nonverbally communicates to the child: “You’re not alone with this; I know it’s hard, and I’m here for you.”
With the support of the parent, the child then moves through the challenging feeling—whether that involves crying, complaining, stomping, or scowling. Coregulation provides a safe space for feelings to be expressed in an authentic, sometimes messy way. For kids, it can be regulating simply to know that their feelings make sense to the parent and that they’re not alone in it. As kids gain experience moving through their emotions in this way, they build trust in their ability to do so in the future. Eventually, those big feelings that once seemed so scary may still feel uncomfortable, but they also feel manageable.
For example, a child who is feeling angry learns how to be with their anger by experiencing how a caregiver responds to their anger. A caregiver providing coregulation may name the anger (“I can see you’re so mad”); take some big, slow breaths; and patiently sit near the child with the intent of helping them to “hold” this big feeling for a while. The parent may feel the child’s anger, notice their own body tense up, and regulate themselves by squeezing a fidget or swaying back and forth to discharge the energy in a healthy way.
By doing so, the parent is modeling for the child how to respond to their own anger—by recognizing the feeling (“I’m so mad!”); by taking some big, slow breaths; by holding space for the emotion; and by using coping strategies to process the emotion without trying to fix it or avoid it. After many, many experiences of coregulation, the child internalizes healthy ways to manage their anger on their own.
Coregulation becomes self-regulation.
The Power of “Being With”
Another way to describe coregulation is with the phrase “being with,” which is used by lots of folks in the mental health and parenting communities, including the Circle of Security Parenting program and author Robyn Gobbel.
“Being with” is, well, a way of being—of accepting, accompanying, and attuning to your child in a way that helps them feel safe, soothed, and understood. It communicates to the child, “I see you, I hear you, I’m with you, and we’ll get through this together.”
While “being with” doesn’t come with a specific script, sometimes parents find it helpful to have examples of what it might look or sound like, especially if they didn’t experience it from their caregivers as children. The exact words don’t matter as much as the intention—which is to “be with” the flow of a child’s feelings as they naturally rise and fall, rather than pushing against those feelings or trying to change them.
First, though, we’ll take a look at some responses that are the opposite of being with—ones that dismiss, rather than help make sense of, a child’s feelings:
-“It’s not that bad.”
-“You’re being dramatic.”
-“It could be worse.”
-“It’s not a big deal.”
-“Get over it.”
-“Why are you so sensitive?”
-‘You don’t really feel that way.”
-“There’s nothing to worry about.”
-“Toughen up.”
As you read through those statements, what did you notice about your experience? Did the responses feel comforting, safe, and connective to you? If you went to someone for support when you were upset and they said those things to you, would your emotions feel lighter, or would they feel even bigger? Would you feel understood, or would you feel confused, ignored, and rejected?
Many of today’s parents heard these types of responses from their own parents, and so they’re reacting to their own kids’ feelings the only way they learned how. As a parent, you may have even internalized these statements and regularly respond to your own emotions in similarly dismissive and critical ways. If this is the case, it’s no wonder that it can feel challenging to be with your child’s emotions—no one taught you how to be with your own! (More on this later).
Ultimately, resisting our own or others’ emotions doesn’t make them go away. It keeps them stuck, and they’ll keep shifting around inside us until they come out somehow—likely in even bigger, more confusing ways. In other words—by “being with” a child, you can help them learn healthy ways to express and process emotions in the moment, so they don’t build up into a volcano that explodes later on.
Sometimes “being with” means sitting in silence; other times, it’s naming and validating an emotion; other times, it might be taking breaths and imagining you’re holding the tornado of your child’s emotions gently in your hands.
If you’re looking for more ideas, here are a few examples of responses that can feel connective to a child when they’re experiencing big feelings—depending on the child and the situation, of course:
-“It sounds/looks like you’re feeling sad.”
-“I can see you’re frowning, and you seem upset.”
-“It’s okay to be angry.”
-“I wonder if you’re feeling embarrassed about that.”
-“I think I would feel that way too.”
-“That makes sense to me.”
-“It can be hard to feel that way.”
-“That sounds really frustrating.”
-“I hear you, and I’m here with you.”
You may notice a lack of questions in this list. Questions can be activating when we’re already feeling overwhelmed and don’t know the answers. Instead, it can feel more supportive when a parent slows down and helps the child make sense of the experience, provides compassion, and simply holds space rather than rushing to change, fix, or figure things out.
Coregulation Starts with Your Regulation
As a parent, you may genuinely want to provide coregulation for your child but feel unable to do so. If you didn’t experience coregulation growing up when you felt certain emotions, it’s likely you’ll find it challenging to be with those feelings when your child experiences them.
This makes so much sense! It doesn’t mean something is wrong with you; it just means you need extra support and—you guessed it—coregulation. As you explore and learn different coping strategies for supporting yourself through your child’s emotional storms, you’re also modeling regulation strategies for your child. They’ll watch and learn from you. It’s a win-win situation.
Start by noticing what comes up for you when your child is experiencing big feelings—does your nervous system want you to run away, or freeze, or fight? Does it all feel like too much? This means your body is perceiving a threat, and you’re needing some support. When you’re feeling more regulated, brainstorm what you might need in those moments. Is it a pause, a break, some deep breaths, some self-compassion, a different routine, a different perspective?
If you’ve never been encouraged to attune to your own needs, this may seem challenging to you, and it may require some patience as you get to know yourself. Sometimes supporting yourself may mean telling yourself a few of those “being with” statements listed above—acknowledging how hard this is, and that you make sense for being overwhelmed.
But you don’t have to do this alone—parents need coregulation, too! In fact, it’s an important part of building your own self-regulation, so you can “be with” your child. Here are a few ways you can support your own regulation through experiencing coregulation:
-Identify trusted adults in your life—such as family, friends, or a partner—who are able to “be with” you in times of distress.
-Meet with a trauma-informed, attachment-focused therapist who can provide coregulation and help you “be with” your own emotions.
-Seek out resources that provide compassion and coregulation while helping you develop healthy coping strategies. My top two recommendations for this are joining a Circle of Security Parenting group, and/or reading or listening to the book Raising Kids with Big, Baffling Behaviors by Robyn Gobbel.
If you’re on this cycle-breaking journey, know that it can be a slow process to change the way you view and manage your own and your child’s emotions. By increasing your emotional capacity and coping skills, you can help your child build their self-regulation.
That’s why it’s so important to get the support you need. The more you do so, the more you’re benefiting yourself and your child—and starting a new cycle built on trust, connection, emotional health, and secure attachment.